To the moon, Alice
I assume by now you, dear citizen, have noticed the preponderance of traditional brick and mortar companies changing their names. Now, Hewlett-Packard’s instrument division can’t be called Hewlett Packard. Heavens no. A venerable name such as that might give the consumer and, let us be honest, the community a sense of history and permanence. No, now the powers that be have deemed it necessary that they now be known by the nonsensical Agilent Technolgies. Agile – understand? The cleverness of beavers, those crafty marketing demigods. Bell Telephone? Certainly not. Why that might remind Americans of great accomplishments of yore. Perhaps this reminder would spur them onto extend this country’s greatness. No, now that great name has been pitched and replaced by myriad different baby bells that then become Ameritech.
So what, you ask, does this have to do with me, Joe Hatwearer? Well, let me, as the kids are wont to proclaim these days, “hip” you to the news. It is a communist plot.
See, if every company is known by people’s names or an explanation of what they do then the diligent citizen may trace where his hard earned purchasing dollars travel. However if all of the companies take these neutered, namby pamby names it is very easy for the commies to slip one spy agency past us. Agilent here, Ameritech there and pretty soon we have Besalesathon that really is placing commies in the state department.
So, citizen, what are we to do? Well, I’ll tell you! We are going to rename these companies make them make sense. Agilent, you are now Binging Machine Company! Ameritech, you are The Phone Company! Simple, understandable and keeps Stalin and his pals at bay!
