The World of Mr. Newit

Holy derivative idea, Batman!

Originally posted elsewhere Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Let’s say you run a public organization that has too much time on its hands. You need something to busy the troops. But… what? I’ve got an idea, let’s invent a rodent that predicts the future! Heard that one before? Well, why be bashful, let’s steal the whole idea from someplace else! Not just a little, mind you, the whole schtick. Ok, let’s make it the exact same type of rodent that will predict the exact same phenomena with the exact same rules and, to finish the run, let’s make it such that our Carnac the rodent performs this trick on exactly the same day. Perfect!

Too much to be believed, you may think. Well, you’d be wrong. Let me introduce you to “Doppler” Dilbert, Lake Metropark’s prognosticating groundhog.

Ah, where to begin.

There is that name. Note that in it the “Doppler” is all that is in quotes. I guess that is because it is his nickname with Dilbert being, well, more formal. In a way this makes sense. Here was a common groundhog going about his daily life. Dig some here, dig some there, find some nourishment and then nibble on it, transfixed in the beauty of his surroundings as life’s little story plays its way out each day. A noble life, that. Common Dilbert goes about his business but then, suddenly, on that anointed morn, he notes that he can’t see his shadow. He knows this impacts greatly on the future falling of precipitation and freezing of water. The others gather and pronounce him “Doppler” to great fanfare. You know, like you do.

I’m sure nobody actually calls him “Doppler”. I mean, did anybody call Sinatra “old blue eyes” to his face. No, they just called him Mr. Sinatra and stood back to watch the magic. I’m sure it is much the same with our “Doppler” Dilbert.

I guess the next question is does the Metroparks really have that much money that they can stage this little bit of plagiarism instead of, you know, something useful? I postulate that they do it means that they have the means. But really just because you can, should you? Don’t they have any other random facilities that they would like to purchase? Perhaps even some that they don’t even have a clue what they’d do with? Apparently with enough money — especially when it isn’t yours that you are spending — you can go a little nuts. Remember that the next time you’re in the ballot box and they’re passing around the collection plate.

Now before you North-Eastern Ohioans write this off as yet another one of the sad graspings at national fame that permeates our local culture*, take heart – we are not alone in this crapulence. How about Balzac Billy of Alberta, the royal headiness of Sir Walter Wally of North Carolina or – wait for it – Shubenacadie Sam of, you guessed it, Shubenacadie Nova Scotia. I guess the local population of groundhogs really isn’t as clever with the nicknames as our local Ohio natives.

As you can see the whole human race is riddled with this weird concept of future predicting rodents. Now that I think of it I don’t know if you should feel better or worse. Maybe Guido the Culturally Sensitive Guinea Pig will give us the answer!?! (sorry, we don’t have the budget for quotation marks)

*How many times have you heard proclaimed Bob Hope, Dave Chapelle, Nine Inch Nails, The Pretenders and even for God’s sake Halle Berry as local wonders when their fame came only after they abandoned this area for greener pastures? Really, people, stop it. It is sad and simply defeatist and needy. We have great things here. Let’s cherish and promote them instead of perpetually clinging to coattails. Besides, we’ll always have Drew Carey.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 11th, 2008 at 11:59. It is filed under Crank Rants! and tagged with groundhog day, lake metroparks. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.