This is a first in a series of articles concerning how you should raise your children. Advice given from those without those little buggers is of great importance, I’m certain. Look, you do not trust the business outlook from the CFO of a company of interest! No, you look around for other, outside views as that CFO is too intrenched in the situation to be objective. Therefore it is I–free of any sullying influence of the child rearing variety–I am your objective analyst for all things child.

The first time you are provided the opportunity to scar your child for life–outside of when you are sharing breathing and eating functions–is when you give your child a name. This is an important entrance for your child into life and society as a whole. It should be a time to start his link to the past and be a glimpse of your aspirations for his future.

Unfortunately the naming of children has grown into an abomination. This is intolerable and so I have taken it upon myself to create a short list of do’s and don’ts to guide the uninitiated. These simple pointers should help you miss the greatest pitfalls and lead you, and your child, to a name that will last the ages without the resultant snickering when it is read in the paper.

Don’t

1. Do not name your child after a natural phenomenon. “Rivers” is not a name, it is an invitation to a confused mind, e.g. Rivers Cuomo. “Sunshine” does nothing but give the community a symbol of your continued drug use. And for God’s sake do not name your child Gaia. Anything saddled with that name is destined to escape to a polyamorous cult in California desert.
2. Now is not the time to become clever. Yes, Mr. Zappa, we are looking in your direction. Extending your work’s conceptual continuity into the middle name of your youngest child, Diva Muffin, is ego at its highest. It is a sad commentary when the obviously frightful first name is the least objectionable.
3. Do not misspell common words. “Diezel” is a dumb name when spelled correctly. Emblazoned ignorance does not improve upon it. Your child is not a rap song to be thumped to by derelicts.
4. Do not name you child a royal title. “Princess” and “Baron” are not proper names, they are people the anarchists kill. With the economy in its current state I would not give the rabble the idea.
5. Do not name your child after a place, especially one that is volatile. For example, Paris is often burning due to the vibrant youth culture and their love of flammable vehicles, but one needn’t bend one’s imagination terribly to picture Ms. Hilton’s penicillin intake.

Do’s

1. Do name your child after a cherished member of the family. This link to the past will give your child the truest feeling of love and belonging as well as a shining example of a life well led.
2. Do name your child after great historical figures. Unfortunately due to some recent naming further guidance is necessary. Avoiding socialist nutters, obviously, is a good first step. Also mass murderers are not good fodder for a good future. Remember this person is to be an example! Therefore, while he made for a striking poster on your college bedroom wall as well as a phosphorescent sign of your ignorance and propensity toward groupthink, Che is right out.
3. Multiple middle names has been throughout history a great way to add balance to your selections. In this manner the name when taken in full can complete a more detailed picture of the expected excellence. That said there is no reason why you should go to such extremes that your child is fraught with the name length of a hapless member of the Spanish royalty.

Now you may note that I just touched on a few don’ts, with many more not mentioned, and they already outnumber my do’s. Well, this is because there are more ways to screw this up than do it correctly. Keep that in mind. If you think you’re being clever, stop. If you need to vent your creative energy, go purchase some paints. That art form was killed years ago and no ignominy can harm it further. Your child, on the other hand, is a blank canvas. What you paint is important and lasting. Do not take your job lightly and with a frivolous heart.