Crank Rant: NHL and Demonic Dealings
To:
National Hockey League
cc:
WKYC, Channel 3, Cleveland, Ohio
National Broadcasting Company
Cleveland Indians
Sirs:
I am concerned. And I am confused. Because of you I am coining the word cornfusoforned. I am not one to lightly mangle the English language but these are grave times. Precision of terminology must remain of utmost importance, dictionary be damned. But let me continue.
I do realize that it is all the rage these days to perform cutting upon oneself and mope about, scheming one's next act of self-sabotage. However this cultural phenomenon has mostly manifested itself in teenagers with a penchant for out-of-balance haircuts and inappropriate use of eye-liner, not business executives. So that is why I am so confused—and concerned—as to why the NHL forces itself into this state of perpetual catastrophe. See? Cofusoforned.
My experience today presents itself as a perfect example. I awoke thrilled with the prospect of five great games today. Here we find ourselves with two games gone in the playoffs and all series are split with each team clutching to one win each. The games have been perpetual highlight reels. Not a blowout in the bunch. A fan could not be happier.
The first game today is between the Detroit Redwings and the Phoenix Coyotes. Here we have great drama in the Coyotes team that has gone from bankruptcy, odd takeover bids, and courtrooms galore to a respectable season with players and coaches displaying the passion that makes the game so compelling. On the other bench is the Redwings who are the consummate veteran, winning squad. They have experienced the heights of achievement but this year was one fraught with injury and lackluster results. An end of year push leads them into the playoffs healthy and committed. The first two games have found each team fighting hard and each tasting one victory. Brilliant.
This is a story that is bringing new writers–writers that do not traditionally focus on the game of hockey–into your arenas. Column inches and screen time is being filled with NHL content that will bring forward the wider audience for which the league has been yearning. But here comes the NHL's emo side, cutting itself in a showy manner, with its pairing with NBC and our Cleveland local affiliate.
Guess what—you can't watch the game in Cleveland. See, in a fit of obvious self hate, the NHL has sold exclusive rights to the game to NBC. WKYC, our local NBC affiliate, has decided to show today's Cleveland Indians game instead.
NHL, this is obvious. You hate yourself. You have surrounded yourself with organizations that want to watch you fail. WKYC's demonic nature is obvious. Why else would they put on the public's airwaves a baseball team whose sworn quest to drive all fun and happiness out of all things in Cleveland by their constant losing, coming close to winning and then losing all the more? Evil! You have a great story brewing that just needs more public exposure. You enter an agreement with an organization to provide that exposure and they do not do so. EVIL!
NHL, suck it up. You can do better. You are better than this. Overcome this confusoforned situation and rise to the heights that this game can achieve.
Your pal,
The Local Crank
p.s. Also, give me a call about this Canadian expansion thing.
UPDATE 16:37
Behold the power of the bully pulpit of the internet! I post this and WKYC and the NHL realize their grave misdeed, and that it had not gone unnoticed, and the put the rightful game on!
One small step for the correctness of public broadcasting…
Bully for you good Sir! Now, take that success and parlay it into an internet petition to repeal the whole "natural born citizen" requirement for the presidency so you can support a Steyn/Derbyshire ticket in 2012.
Ah, I think not. Foreigners should be watched closely, even those who outwardly espouse our ideas. There is always some oddity like calling a perfectly fine cold weather hat a "toque" or confusing public and private schools. The Republic must be protected!
Vigilance!