Crank Rant: The Burgeoning Sandra Lee Menace
Those of you following along at home may remember my warnings concerning the dangers of the demon Paula Deen. Unfortunately, it appears her evil power grows unabated with successful book signings and myriad television specials. America may very well be doomed, doomed to her particular brand of thinly veiled child eating. May God pray for us.
I come to you today, however, to speak of a new evil that has been brought to my attention: Sandra Lee. That name, it is deceptive, no? It sounds like it would be plastered prominently on some petroleum based food-stuff. You know, those easy and tempting items that keep the poor fat and enamored with reality television and Mariah Carey. Sad if you are a turtle-necked fellow traveler of Camus but, to the rest of us, it means little. But, no, it is not little as from that initial deceit we glimpse her dark power.
Sandra Lee is a demon whose gimmick is to take prepackaged goods, work incantations on them, adding pure foods as a sacrifice to her dark lord and then pass off the end-product as sustenance for her unsuspecting audience. The result is that our masses are weaned on pablum ill-suited for the likes of a leprous orangutan let alone the budding future of our great nation.
Overreacting you say? Bah, say I in return! I can prove this with one simple, short recipe printed in this week’s Entertainment Weekly. That her poisonous act only takes a small sliver of a single column tells of its potency and our peril.
Her potion is entitled: “Shimmer-Tini”.
I could stop right there and my point would be proven, would it not citizen? Yes, she is yet another of the malignant forces attempting to convince the populace black is white, day is night and any alcoholic beverage dropped into a particular glass shape is a martini. It was bad enough when that great drink was sullied with vodka, now a jigger of rancid goats milk and a fig leaf, when presented in the correct glass, can be the next craze “-tini” drink. The likes of Orwell could not predict such villainy. But,alas, it goes on.
The witch speaks of her product: “It’s an unbeatable flavor combination—reminds me of an easy, breezy vacation day on the beach.” Oh, the mind reels when presented with such unnecessary contractions and relentless rhyming. These words are deliberate blows measured to confuse and disorient to uninitiated. But we are made of stern stuff and so we will push on to the ingredients.
First on the list is—brace yourselves—vanilla vodka. My goodness me. And this is in a family publication I remind you! Is it any wonder children do not remember the woe wrought by Smoot-Hawley?
Then comes the sacrifice: pineapple juice. Juice made from fruits that are so far away that it took the advent of air travel—and the wanderings found in virtuous wars—to bring them to the awareness of the American public. And here she goes, dashing this nectar on the rocks of ice and malevolence.
It is at this point, citizen, that I would recommend those of you with burdensome medical conditions, well, you should stop reading here. From here on out our journey is one spent wallowing through the squalor of the most wretched of souls. You can see the direction of our path and have an inkling to this evil. Trust the strong that finish these words to lead the way.
Ready? I guess there is no good way to put this so just out with it. Bottled key lime juice. Has there ever been such an evil perpetrated on humanity as bottled lime juice? We all know that this concoction is nothing but a by product of coal-tar and ground-hog kidneys but there it sits on our store shelves as an object lesson as to the limits of man. It is a reminder to all that our reach can exceed our intentions. It was never meant to be consumed and yet here it is in a popular publication—as an ingredient in a product to be ingested! May God have mercy on the publisher’s souls.
So what are we to do, citizen? We rise up! Write these publications, demanding their retractions and the swift elimination of the editorial staff! Speak out when confronted with these demented bar tenders peddling their demonic wares! But most of all, we will keep our alcohol pure and true so it will nourish us in times both good and bad. This use of a hydroxyl group will be our strength in these epic struggles!
Vigilance!
