In this episode, we take questions from the viewing public and pose them to the Crank. This week’s question comes from the fertile mind of Little Johnny of Fairfield, Wisconsin.

If you could talk to any historical person for advice, who would it be and why?

What an ineffably inane question this is. The publisher asks me to set aside time in my busy day to deal with the queries of my public. When I carved out a few moments to work on this task, I found my heart still believing in the possibilities of civilization and the relative goodness of man. And then I fish this slimy boot from the drink.

Half the planet is at war and the other half is wearing sweat pants in public. These are dark days that require the fullest concentration that our best minds can bring to bear. Are you among those great minds, Mr. Johnny? I daren’t think of the fate of a world that would count you among its most gifted. No, no, such a planet would be run by the lowly squirrel as any human would have long since perished by drowning in the rain.

What claptrap!

If you have a question that you would like to pose to the Crank please email this website’s publisher.