To: National Hockey League cc: WKYC, Channel 3, Cleveland, Ohio National Broadcasting Company Cleveland Indians Sirs: I am concerned. And I am confused. Because of you I am coining the word cornfusoforned. I am not one to lightly mangle the English … Read More →
Category Archives: Crank Rants!
Urban Renewal
We live in a time of obsessive safety. Every item for sale in this great land is scrutinized from front to back, top to bottom, for any possible injury causing attribute. Designers rework their products endlessly attempting to prevent even the most advanced ignoramus from … Read More →
Death of the Stork, Birth of the Unseen Menace
The Times relayed to us this week the tale of new findings from space nonsense. NASA scientists, apparently having nothing better to do with their barrels of taxpayer money, decided to run a spectacularly expensive flying object into the debris of a comet. This sort … Read More →
At least Narcissus Stayed Quietly at the Lake
As you are probably well aware this marks the fortieth anniversary of the Woodstock music festival. Half a million petulant children, schedules clear of any worthwhile engagements, stormed a quiet, upstate New York farm, senses of entitlement expanding wildly until the sun was concealed from … Read More →
The Beauty of the Twelve-point Socket
A terrible scourge has infected our mechanical design culture. Its name is tool-less fastening. One will find the droppings of this is the craze emblazoned in advertisements promoting electronic componentry. It has even more recently spread its emasculating tentacles to the manly mechanical fields. Its … Read More →
Killing Bambi.
Overblown story of the week. So, an old lady beat a fawn to death with a shovel. She did this either because she was frightened (her story) or it was eating her flowers (her nosy neighbor’s story). She is in trouble because, for some reason, … Read More →
Soul stealing devices indeed!
While the Gaia-über-alles set screams for a carbon tax, they miss the largest cost to society. Simply put the cost of photographic technology is too low. Now any derelict finding himself in the odd situation of not having spent all his ready cash on corn-syruped … Read More →
All one needs to know!
In the picture you can see all you need to know about current world events. Note the shoe choice of the Mullah’s favorite scare-puppet Achimanutjob. See their lack of sanity intensifying laces? Let this be a warning to all of you who believe that you … Read More →
GRIPPING NEWS!!!
Today’s above-the-fold News-Herald story was about the topic that is on everyone’s mind: the recorder’s office paperwork. Yes, I know, you’ve heard about this at every turn but this is important. Obama got so caught up in the topic last week he even forgot to … Read More →
The Falling Standards of the News-Herald
Today’s paper annoyed me so I thought I’d write a crank letter to them. They are pretty good about such things. I’ll post if anything else comes of this. I just wanted to pass on a brief note concerning the quality of the News-Herald. Firstly, … Read More →
The Coining of Children’s Names
The first time you are provided the opportunity to scar your child for life--outside of when you are sharing breathing and eating functions--is when you give your child a name. This is an important entrance for your child into life and society as a whole. It should be a time to start his link to the past and be a glimpse of your aspirations for his future.
Crank Rant: The Burgeoning Sandra Lee Menace
Those of you following along at home may remember my warnings concerning the dangers of the demon Paula Deen. Unfortunately, it appears her evil power grows unabated with successful book signings and myriad television specials. America may very well be doomed, doomed to her particular … Read More →