Ask the Crank: Historical Figure
In this episode, we take questions from the viewing public and pose them to the Crank. This week’s question comes from the fertile mind of Little Johnny of Fairfield, Wisconsin. If you could talk to any historical person for advice, who would it be and why? What an ineffably inane question this is. The publisher asks me [...]
Crank Rant: The Burgeoning Sandra Lee Menace
Those of you following along at home may remember my warnings concerning the dangers of the demon Paula Deen. Unfortunately, it appears her evil power grows unabated with successful book signings and myriad television specials. America may very well be doomed, doomed to her particular brand of thinly veiled child eating. May God pray for [...]
Crank Rant: NHL and Demonic Dealings
To: National Hockey League cc: WKYC, Channel 3, Cleveland, Ohio National Broadcasting Company Cleveland Indians Sirs: I am concerned. And I am confused. Because of you I am coining the word cornfusoforned. I am not one to lightly mangle the English language but these are grave times. Precision of terminology must [...]
Urban Renewal
We live in a time of obsessive safety. Every item for sale in this great land is scrutinized from front to back, top to bottom, for any possible injury causing attribute. Designers rework their products endlessly attempting to prevent even the most advanced ignoramus from successfully modifying their product into an efficient eye removal tool. [...]
Death of the Stork, Birth of the Unseen Menace
The Times relayed to us this week the tale of new findings from space nonsense. NASA scientists, apparently having nothing better to do with their barrels of taxpayer money, decided to run a spectacularly expensive flying object into the debris of a comet. This sort of tomfoolery, most resembling a horde of teenagers driving too [...]
At least Narcissus Stayed Quietly at the Lake
As you are probably well aware this marks the fortieth anniversary of the Woodstock music festival. Half a million petulant children, schedules clear of any worthwhile engagements, stormed a quiet, upstate New York farm, senses of entitlement expanding wildly until the sun was concealed from view, bringing a storm. Before the four days were through, [...]
The Beauty of the Twelve-point Socket
A terrible scourge has infected our mechanical design culture. Its name is tool-less fastening. One will find the droppings of this is the craze emblazoned in advertisements promoting electronic componentry. It has even more recently spread its emasculating tentacles to the manly mechanical fields. Its idea is simple, even seductive upon shallow inspection. It is [...]
Killing Bambi.
Overblown story of the week. So, an old lady beat a fawn to death with a shovel. She did this either because she was frightened (her story) or it was eating her flowers (her nosy neighbor’s story). She is in trouble because, for some reason, it is illegal to kill animals in your yard. Another [...]
Soul stealing devices indeed!
While the Gaia-über-alles set screams for a carbon tax, they miss the largest cost to society. Simply put the cost of photographic technology is too low. Now any derelict finding himself in the odd situation of not having spent all his ready cash on corn-syruped food items and methamphetamine, runs to the local emporium for [...]
All one needs to know!
In the picture you can see all you need to know about current world events. Note the shoe choice of the Mullah’s favorite scare-puppet Achimanutjob. See their lack of sanity intensifying laces? Let this be a warning to all of you who believe that you can frolic about with unrestrained footwear. If you continue in [...]
GRIPPING NEWS!!!
Today’s above-the-fold News-Herald story was about the topic that is on everyone’s mind: the recorder’s office paperwork. Yes, I know, you’ve heard about this at every turn but this is important. Obama got so caught up in the topic last week he even forgot to mention some small happenings of no importance in a far [...]
The Falling Standards of the News-Herald
Today’s paper annoyed me so I thought I’d write a crank letter to them. They are pretty good about such things. I’ll post if anything else comes of this. I just wanted to pass on a brief note concerning the quality of the News-Herald. Firstly, I want you to succeed. I believe firmly that the [...]
The Coining of Children’s Names
The first time you are provided the opportunity to scar your child for life–outside of when you are sharing breathing and eating functions–is when you give your child a name. This is an important entrance for your child into life and society as a whole. It should be a time to start his link to the past and be a glimpse of your aspirations for his future.
Lacking of Shoe Laces
There seems to be a new divide forming in this nation. Fashion is working its ugly ways, forcing itself upon our collective norms. Again. This insidiousness goes on almost imperceptibly until we are firmly in its grasp, left unawares as to how we arrived in this sorry state. Upon realizing the scale of this degeneracy, [...]
In Defense of Mustard
Years ago, in a place not too far removed from where I now sit, existed place of intrigue. A place so magical that words can just start to describe the outline of its wonder. But that is what I shall endeavor to do. On the South-East corner of U.S. Route 6 and Auburn Road is [...]
The local crank strikes again!
Posted elsewhere Saturday, March 15, 2008 Behold the latest in my local crank output! I just sent this silliness into the News-Herald as a response to their terribly annoying editorial today. 300 words is awfully tight but here is how it goes: In your Saturday, March 15th editorial you issued a “Brickbat” to U.S. District [...]
Holy derivative idea, Batman!
Originally posted elsewhere Tuesday, March 11, 2008 Let’s say you run a public organization that has too much time on its hands. You need something to busy the troops. But… what? I’ve got an idea, let’s invent a rodent that predicts the future! Heard that one before? Well, why be bashful, let’s steal the whole [...]
A wee bit of snow
Originally posted elsewhere Sunday, March 9, 2008 and, horrifyingly, in the News-Herald shortly thereafter. Including the last line about that leads to a video which obviously doesn’t play well in newsprint. God, I love the News-Herald but the picture of editing excellence they’re not. Living in the snow belt really isn’t that big of a [...]
To the moon, Alice
I assume by now you, dear citizen, have noticed the preponderance of traditional brick and mortar companies changing their names. Now, Hewlett-Packard’s instrument division can’t be called Hewlett Packard. Heavens no. A venerable name such as that might give the consumer and, let us be honest, the community a sense of history and permanence. No, [...]
Down there
No sooner than have the powers that be taken away man’s want of proper head-wear, now we are stuck with another scourge. Today was a day that men dread as it was a day that I was required to go shoe shopping. The aesthetics of footwear is not something that comes naturally to the natively [...]
Up in the rafters
Marketing people simply must be exterminated. We all must be aware of that frighteningly Stalinist study that noted that people eat more quickly while listening to music firmly in the allegro spectrum. Now every little nook that one finds to partake in nourishment must be bouncing along to some infernal dance remix of Gordon Lightfoot’s [...]
