To the moon, Alice

I assume by now you, dear citizen, have noticed the preponderance of traditional brick and mortar companies changing their names. Now, Hewlett-Packard’s instrument division can’t be called Hewlett Packard. Heavens no. A venerable name such as that might give the consumer and, let us be honest, the community a sense of history and permanence. No, now the powers that be have deemed it necessary that they now be known by the nonsensical Agilent Technolgies. Agile – understand? The cleverness of beavers, those crafty marketing demigods. Bell Telephone? Certainly not. Why that might remind Americans of great accomplishments of yore. Perhaps this reminder would spur them onto extend this country’s greatness. No, now that great name has been pitched and replaced by myriad different baby bells that then become Ameritech.

So what, you ask, does this have to do with me, Joe Hatwearer? Well, let me, as the kids are wont to proclaim these days, “hip” you to the news. It is a communist plot.

See, if every company is known by people’s names or an explanation of what they do then the diligent citizen may trace where his hard earned purchasing dollars travel. However if all of the companies take these neutered, namby pamby names it is very easy for the commies to slip one spy agency past us. Agilent here, Ameritech there and pretty soon we have Besalesathon that really is placing commies in the state department.

So, citizen, what are we to do? Well, I’ll tell you! We are going to rename these companies make them make sense. Agilent, you are now Binging Machine Company! Ameritech, you are The Phone Company! Simple, understandable and keeps Stalin and his pals at bay!

Down there

No sooner than have the powers that be taken away man’s want of proper head-wear, now we are stuck with another scourge. Today was a day that men dread as it was a day that I was required to go shoe shopping. The aesthetics of footwear is not something that comes naturally to the natively hetero male. Further it appears that the shoe designer’s want runs decidedly counter to the one thing that feet require – comfort. But let this teacup residing tempest lie for the moment while we push further to the true atrocity.

Shoes are not allowed to be laced in the typical crossing manner any longer. No, now we have a supposedly more visually appealing “round and round it goes, how it tightens nobody knows” method. Instead of starting evenly at the bottom ferrules and working your way leg-ward like any right-thinking person would do, the useful idiots only tie with one half of the lace and then tuck the other half along the tongue of the shoe. This leaves no “ugly” crossing – just a series of transverse loops. So far, so good. However when one tries to secure one’s foot in the ill-laced shoe catastrophe ensues. Pulling on one lace-end causes the top to tighten. Pulling on the other does little other than make the hidden lace show itself in a random fashion leaving the wearer with a tight top, loose bottom and meandering middle. While one would think this obvious flaw would result in the death of this nonsense still it persists.

So, you ask me, what is the reason for the outrage? Fashion has lead young men to wear sizes of jeans best left for those described as “gravitationally endowed” and yet we have heard no public outcry from me. Well, let me enlighten you, brother. It is simply a Stalinist plot. By depriving the public of a simple engineering method by which one can secure loose goods their work to weaken the American mind continues. Today we do not know how to tie our shoes, tomorrow we do not know how to secure our sails, next week we lose the ability to build THE bomb.

Being a civically minded individual I will take the first shot at smothering this dastardly plot. Firstly, we must start in the schools. Our next generation must understand the grave national importance of lace-work. To aid in this pursuit perhaps the use of a friendly fictional character like Paul Bunyan or Nancy Regan could inspire the tykes to the good. Secondly shoe inspections should be conducted by the constabulary in a manner much like their attempts at velocity control. The wearers of nonconforming footwear would be sent to weekend retreats where their skills would be rebuilt to those more conforming to democracy. Lastly, as a show of our strength perhaps a great public works project using this technique could be initiated. For example that cantankerous San Andreas fault could be laced together using just this technology! This great feat would be visible from space so the perpetrator’s sputniks could look down upon it in awe and fear!

Until next time, citizen, keep those laces crossed!

Up in the rafters

Marketing people simply must be exterminated. We all must be aware of that frighteningly Stalinist study that noted that people eat more quickly while listening to music firmly in the allegro spectrum. Now every little nook that one finds to partake in nourishment must be bouncing along to some infernal dance remix of Gordon Lightfoot’s greatest hits. This is simply intolerable and obviously the result of a man who has spent too much time outside in the sun without the proper headwear.

When one performs the act of eating one is communing with one’s most primal self. It is a time to note the passage of the day. A time to stop and see the world around and ponder one’s part in it all. The rumble of jungle beats mixed with the synthesized tones of white-boy suburbia torpedo any of this time for reflection. Instead one is transported to a place of time tables, production meetings and the in-laws infernal small canine.

Now, not being one to stand idly by while a horror is perpetrated on the populace, let me be the first to issue a call to arms. These United States of America are percolating with energetic minds with skills to conquer any evil. I hereby implore those of you with the mental means to dedicate your selves to the design of some device to rid of of this menace. Perhaps some portable magnetron that destroys speakers. What about a bacteria that enjoys speaker cone material for its caloric intake. However it will be done it must be done.

Now soldier on! And may I recommend ear plugs until that fateful day when we are released from this hell.